I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
