My friends, they love my intelligence
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
