Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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