I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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