Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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