I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I have fence marks all over my body
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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