there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
two words: eviction party
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
