It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
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