If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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