Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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