FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
