textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
So squirting runs in the family.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
