I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
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