i permit you to call me
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
