Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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