yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
