Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I think i got beer on your cat.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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