I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
