New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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