A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize