i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
It was confusing and full of hummus
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
