I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
