u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
