cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
