I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
