woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
So many bounce houses so little time
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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