she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
