I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
