Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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