I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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