I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
