Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
