well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
