dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
he was CRYING into my vagina
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
