he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
