Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
