im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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