Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Then you guys just all showered together...?
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