First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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