the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
