mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
It all started with a game of naked twister.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
