Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
