FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
