i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
