So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
