had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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