Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
