just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
