What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
