Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
